Recognize
the signs
There is no ‘typical’ victim-survivor of domestic violence, and many myths and stereotypes about who experiences it. In reality, anyone can experience domestic violence, though women and young adults are statistically at higher risk. Victim-survivors are most often portrayed, in society and by the media, as women. That is because domestic and sexual violence disproportionality impacts women, with UN Women estimating that 1 in 3 women globally will experience violence in their lifetime. However, this issue can also impact men, like Paul, who may struggle to recognize their own experiences as domestic violence, fearing that they may not be believed or understood. They may suffer in silence due to shame or fear of judgment and reputational damage in their personal lives or at work.
Paul is experiencing coercive control; a pattern of behaviours using threats, humiliation, and intimidation to harm, punish, control, and instill fear. He is also experiencing physical violence. How can we determine if Paul’s relationship is abusive rather than simply a challenging relationship? The key differentiators are power and fear. There is a power imbalance, and Paul feels scared, worrying about the consequences of not complying, Lucy’s potential actions, and the impact of ending the relationship. Paul is anxious about Lucy's false accusations and threats. She belittles him, calling him pathetic and disgusting, intentionally undermining his confidence. Lucy threatens to falsely report him to the police, turn their children against him, and leave him without money or resources, reinforcing her threats with physical violence. As a result, Paul has lost his ability to make choices and is controlled in his daily activities.
Domestic violence is harmful, and Paul may be facing poor mental health, including anxiety and depression, and problems with his physical health. He may also have injuries from Lucy’s physical assaults. His relationships may be strained, especially if Lucy sabotages them, leading to isolation. For example, Paul may actively avoid interactions with female colleagues to try to minimize Lucy’s (false) accusations. Paul is probably trying hard not to let his experiences at home impact his work. However, he may still struggle to concentrate at work, make mistakes more often, and sometimes need to redo tasks. Paul may actively avoid interactions with female colleagues, could impact his social connections at work or his career progression such as feeling unable to pursue a promotion if the line manager was a woman.
Paul may try to hide his feelings, but he may, for example, be struggling with low self-esteem and self-confidence; he may also look tired, anxious, or seem quieter and distracted. On the occasions when Lucy hurts Paul physically, his colleagues may notice unusual bruises or scratches. They may also notice changes to the way he dresses, for example, wearing long sleeves on very hot days, when he would ordinarily wear short sleeves.