Respond
with empathy
Paul’s job may give him financial independence and help his self-confidence. Lucy’s daily attacks may undermine how he feels about himself, and work may give Paul a sense of satisfaction and self-worth. For Paul, coming into the office may offer temporary relief, and he may feel it is a safer space. The workplace could be a location to access information about domestic violence and specialist support away from Lucy’s control. If Lucy has restricted his social interactions with friends and family, he may feel lonely, and his colleagues may be the only people he has contact with; they could offer him companionship, understanding, and support during this challenging time.
Like many victim-survivors, Paul may feel scared and nervous about disclosing his experiences. Paul may not recognize his experiences as domestic violence; he may simply know that something is wrong. If this is his first time sharing, it represents a significant step in breaking the silence and shame, allowing him to seek support. Victim-survivors often value supportive listening and practical help. Paul may appreciate his colleague’s offer of a conversation, encouraging Paul to talk even though he has said he is ‘fine’. It would be helpful for his colleague to show empathy and understanding as he listens and asks gentle questions. By respecting Paul's choices and going at his pace, this may help Paul feel in control. His colleague can assist Paul by providing practical support, sharing information about workplace resources and external specialist services – it is Paul’s choice whether to pursue the available support. Offering to continue the conversation will reinforce his support and availability, reassuring Paul that help is available when he is ready.
Paul’s colleague may worry about saying the wrong thing, but a supportive response does not need to be perfect. During their conversation, Paul’s colleague can convey important messages: Paul matters, he believes Paul, the abuse is not Paul’s fault, and he wants to help. By focusing on Paul’s thoughts, feelings, and needs, he can create a supportive environment. If his colleague suspects something is wrong, but Paul has not reached out, he should ensure they are in a private setting and approach the conversation gently and without judgment. Starting with a general question like “I haven’t seen you in a while, how are you doing?” can encourage Paul to share. He might also gently mention changes in Paul’s behavior, such as, “I’ve noticed you look stressed; is everything okay?” This approach fosters trust and opens the door for Paul to share his experiences.
If Paul were to tell his colleague that he was at risk of serious harm or threat to life, his colleague would need to break confidentiality and escalate his concerns so that other people (and possibly the police) were involved in responding appropriately. In such situations, confidentiality can be broken in order to preserve life.